haloquin: Photo of Halo in snow, long red coat, looking cheekily at camera while writing in a book... (Default)
Originally posted here

Emerging

Many things make up who we are - what do you share and what do you keep precious from the world? When do you ignore the 'sensible' and leap into what you love?



How often have I tried to hide?

I know it would be safer to keep my head down, to keep my lunacy separate from the rational academia in which I’m slowly-slowly carving a place for myself, and yet I also know that to hide is to deny myself.

So I shut my eyes and I leap.

I see a scary thing ahead, and I take a deep breath and tell my Sensible Self to close her eyes... and then the moon-kissed heart of me steps off the cliff and trusts the wind to carry her.

It’s never dropped me yet.

I know as well as you do the risks of being seen as crazy – it’s a not-so-secret fear of mine, you know? – if they see me and dismiss me I’ll be left out in the cold. If they think I’m crazy they’ll turn me away... I’ll lose friends and opportunities and it’ll all be for nothing.

So says my Sensible Self. She has good reason to believe these things, and yet I know that even if the worst happens, the Wind will not drop me. At least, he will not drop me far!

I’ve friends who have seen me star-struck and moon-kissed and standing on edges. I’ve friends who’ve stood beside me as I’ve opened doors and boxes which Sensible Me says would be better left closed. In leaping I’ve found people who encourage me to fly, even in the most unexpected places.

Those who shake their heads and sigh do not need to know my heart, but as long as I follow it, the Wind will carry me when the ground falls out beneath my feet. Those that know what flying means will soar with me, even if they ride another breeze.

And only those that understand dreams of flight are worth sharing my secrets with. Only those who already share a spark will understand what I say.

And so I come full circle.

No longer do I hide, but neither do I need to tell everyone I meet my deepest, brightest secrets. That those lights guide me is no reason to announce it to the world.

My dreams, my passions, my obsessions filter into my academic work, and you’d be amazed at how often people ignore the bits they do not understand. It’s not easy to have a touch of the irrational in a world of rationality, but they feed each other and both grow stronger from it.

I am me. Every day I learn to be more me, I am always becoming, and I do not hide...

But I do keep secrets.

haloquin: Photo of Halo in snow, long red coat, looking cheekily at camera while writing in a book... (Default)

I watch the rich red curtains fall gently behind my next visitor. A soft-spoken lady with a face like a mouse, sharp and shifty-eyed, she steps forward hesitantly.

 

I wait, drawing the sense of the mystical around me, important, this is, for both her and for me, we wouldn’t want to ruin the performance, would we?

 

She takes a sharp breath to begin stammering whichever variation on “what do I do now?” they all seem to ask, and I interrupt, my voice soft but clear.

 

“Take a seat.”

 

The sound rings out in the tent, but does not echo. I gaze at her as she jumps slightly and then does as I have suggested.

 

I pause, waiting for the right moment.

 

A moment that comes slightly later than it would in a normal conversation.

 

A moment that becomes heavy with importance.

 

A moment that brings itself forth from the thick, red-tinged incense smoke.

 

“You have come with a question.” The moment states. I am not asking, but she nods in reply.

 

“Then we shall begin.”

 

The question is spoken hesitantly into the gloom and the cards turn inevitably over. They speak of people and places, of limitations she has placed upon herself, dreams she has given up. The story is old, very few come to me with a story that is vastly different, for those that follow their dreams need not ask me what they are.

 

Her face clouds with uncertainty, how can I know with such clarity things she barely understands about herself? It is easy, but I do not tell her this. The cards, they speak to me, they have spoken to me so long I can barely remember a time when I struggled to understand them. They open my mind to the web of dreams and destinies that entwine us all, and show me, through a raft of images, where to look for this particular story, this particular fate.

 

She leaves, her dream revealed, a door recognised, a key received. I do not expect her to truly walk through it, although that is not unknown. Often it is enough for people to know that their dreams are still there.

 

After she is gone I gently blow the candles out with a kiss, return my friends to their cotton cloth – a gift from a friend and more valuable than any silk recommended by a well-meaning author – and I wrap my shawl around my shoulders to leave.

 

I slip out the back of my tent and walk home smiling, the cool night air coming in on the tail of the day and gracing my lungs with fresh clarity.

 

As I walk I remember my dreams and sing to the slowly revealed stars, rehearsing for the gig coming that night.

January 2025

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